I made a hole in the bottom of the freezer. I was trying to get rid of a huge and sturdy block of ice and with the hammer I hit too hard. I heard a pssssttttt coming out the newborn hole and I thought “I am fucked”. What upsets me the most is the thought of all that food going to waste. As a former anorexic, this is particularly unbearable, I don’t even know why. Denial taking form once again, travesty and mockery, that’s what it probably is. I feel the same sense of guilt I used to feel in the old days, when ingesting calories was like pronouncing a death sentence. The first thought that came to mind was “I should be hanged for this” but somebody rightly pointed out I was being too tragic over something that can happen everyday. That’s a crime too, you know. So now I rather feel like an inept who’s just hidden her ineptitude to the world with a cheap trick that’s going to be found out sooner or later. I don’t know why I have to dwell on this. I am a mean and trivial person, that’s what I am. When you spend years of your life thinking about denying survival on a daily basis, you probably lose the sense of reality. That’s the only explanation. But the more I think about the whole matter, the more I think how stupid it is to make things worse than they actually are, the more I am forced to think how much guilt there is in my carelessness.
