I made a hole in the bottom of the freezer. I was trying to get rid of a huge and sturdy block of ice and with the hammer I hit too hard. I heard a pssssttttt coming out the newborn hole and I thought “I am fucked”. What upsets me the most is the thought of all that food going to waste. As a former anorexic, this is particularly unbearable, I don’t even know why. Denial taking form once again, travesty and mockery, that’s what it probably is. I feel the same sense of guilt I used to feel in the old days, when ingesting calories was like pronouncing a death sentence. The first thought that came to mind was “I should be hanged for this” but somebody rightly pointed out I was being too tragic over something that can happen everyday. That’s a crime too, you know. So now I rather feel like an inept who’s just hidden her ineptitude to the world with a cheap trick that’s going to be found out sooner or later. I don’t know why I have to dwell on this. I am a mean and trivial person, that’s what I am. When you spend years of your life thinking about denying survival on a daily basis, you probably lose the sense of reality. That’s the only explanation. But the more I think about the whole matter, the more I think how stupid it is to make things worse than they actually are, the more I am forced to think how much guilt there is in my carelessness.
Month: June 2009
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Cropping visions
It’s not that I like ugly things. I feel that erasing the ugly from my field of vision is wrong. One can recognize beauty also by contrasts and contacts with ugliness. Also, something doesn’t have to be beautiful to be interesting or to offer something to your soul. Beauty can be a very shallow thing when it’s an end in itself, while ugliness always hides some significance to a certain degree, even when it’s not contemplated in its original intentions. Squinting the eyes to leave unpleasantness out is what on average one usually finds more natural, especially given our submerged visual culture. A distracted stare tends to stop only when senses are pampered to the excess. Bloated brains are hungry for more excess and decadence. Once it starts how can it be stopped? I don’t understand whoever tries to smother life in a cloud of smoky beauty that doesn’t say anything at all, just for the effect, just for the temporary sating; I don’t understand those trying to give ugliness the same status of beauty with lots of conceptual crap either. There’s no beauty in ugliness, but there’s a meaning to it, an urgency, an importance. Ugliness talks and threatens. It says more to us about the existent than beauty. It’s more connected with the present moment. Why denying it confusing notions and concepts?
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Do I ever learn?
It’s tiring. I always make mistakes. All the time. I have no intention of pitying myself. It’s a fact. I’m too easily distracted when I’m supposed to take care of important matters. I have a sense of responsibility somewhere but it doesn’t help. It’s irritating because I know when I am wrong and when I made mistakes. I’m just unable to act differently, I’m not learning anything from experiences. It’s an accumulation of the same mistakes over and over again, endless, boring, alienating. Can I become a whole if I’m still letting my pieces being disconnected the one from the other?