Absurdia.Net

So it goes.

Good day for goodbyes


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I got an email from my mother. She’s talking in it of little everyday struggles, like cats hiding under the bed and card playing with her friends. And I am here, reading what she writes, the few lines that sum up her life, not being able to adjust to what she says as I were just taking a trip. She is lonely and I can tell. Just a few words and caps strategically positioned. She is lonely and getting older day by day. But you know how it is, some families are not meant to be together. Faces disappear one by one till there’s nobody left that wants another portion of dessert. How to make your mother understand it’s a farewell, not a goodbye?

Today the usual weather changes. From sunny to rainy and all over again. And the fog in the early morning. You get to know people, somebody you can learn to trust, and when you’re starting to think you’ll have a whole life together, it’s time to say goodbye. In the fog and in the rain. Or simply in a dull kind of weather that’s not as romantic as it should be. And you cannot really tell why, but everything takes another hue, and shades are other shades, and sunrays are cold and watered down, like they’ve been drowned in some kind of sticky substance. The voices of the neighborhood are deprived of the expectation of a familiar knock on the door; they’re just voices, distant, unknown. Children play in the streets because it’s too bright to tell them the Boogeyman is coming for them – what sort of Boogeyman would walk around like this, not looking scary at all, just clumsy and silly? And I cannot point out where or how, but I feel a little spot of uneasiness that’s been bothering me all day, when I sat on the table of the cafe and when I started making dinner and when I was simply trying to spot cats on the streets. But cats, bless them, are always a good cure for aching frenzies of any kind.

I’m not sure why, but tomorrow is another day and there are still chances for me or for anybody. Things keep on getting soiled by life, people keep on aging though they won’t admit it, cats will eat furballs and then vomit them again and again. I don’t know if I’m feeling well. In fact I could be feeling very bad, because no place is really home. So much beauty around you that doesn’t let you get closer even after a lifetime. You’re a stranger all the time. So little time and so many things you don’t even have the time to notice. I’m not sure why, but things keep on going on.

Pu the Homeless


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That I’m going to be homeless seems to become more and more probable. I hadn’t experienced the notion of not having a place to stay for a long time, since university times. Back then it was different though. I had an actual place to stay, the parents’s house of course. Like it or not, that was a sort of back up plan. The days as a Bulgarian contorsionist’s neighbor had been fascinating, but I’m not sure I could endure that sort of situation right now. I’ve become old and soft, I need adventure in certain doses, not all the time.
As petty as the desire can seem, the idea of having a house with a bath tub is out of the question. The idea of having a cat is a luxury – if my former cats knew, what would they think of it? The problem is having a house at all seems a mirage, an impossibility of absurd proportions. I see myself blinking with a plastered smile on the face when I go to see apartments and I know I’m not going to live in them. Every one of them has a terrible flaw of some sort, like being on the upper floor in some building hosting a terribly noisy bar. When they’re flawless the owner is clearly against the idea of renting to unknowns with a shady past – foreigners, that is. One apartment has a barbecue but no space for ambulation, another has a dishwasher but also a dishonest landlady. What one has to do to live in peace, or to live at all, for the matter?
At home, people don’t get it. They’re used to Italian ways to go and get apartments. You always seem to have some kind of way out – way in would be more apt in this case – in Italy. Here you feel afraid even to ask to pay more because you don’t want them to think you’re bribing them.

A word about misanthropy


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What you hate is what you are. Perhaps even more than what you love. Any kind of feeling of tenderness can be mistaken for love without rationalization. Hate and displeasure are actual. They cannot be mistaken. So if I say, and I’m quite certain I can affirm it by now, that I dislike people and that my dislike most of the time borders hatred, I cannot be told it’s only the spur of the moment. I cannot be treated like I’m a psychotic monster. I’ve been running away from certain sort of people, from a precise typology of human kind. Yet I’m being reminded for I don’t know what reasons I shouldn’t be so sure of my feelings, that these feelings are not certainties. Well, I do like some very selected individuals. It’s not an elitist reasoning that comes into account when I sense I do not dislike somebody, that I even like this somebody. It’s a very instictive feel, and it’s not necessarily possible to explain with a few words what are the elements that are part of the “I like” equation. Dislike on the other hand is both instinctive and rational. I can feel a strong and uncontrollable displeasure in the presence of some person, but most of the times I can clearly point out the sources of my dislike. I do not know why I should be apologetic, why I should find replies coated in sugar when I’m forced to reveal myself and admit, in part or entirely, that I’m not willing to deal with people I don’t like. What do they expect? I try to be empathic and civil, but I can only be as long as I’m not supposed to associate, to mingle with them. Is it so hard to get? I’m not that upset when it happens to me as well. I’m aware I’m not completely peculiar about this sentiment. This world proves more and more narrow everyday.

Forcibly unsigned


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The day’s end is drawing near. For somebody out there it’s about to start. The socials, the well-offs. A whole parallel universe of human specimens exists even in this place. Parallel, as in separated from myself in an utterly irreparable way. But I’m not saddened to be stuck to this side of things, to my own sphere. One creates its own universe, the one he’s going to live in, and it’s a construction whose progress is never-ending. Hypocrites complain, stupids complain. But they’re builders as much as I am of their own cages. Whatever takes place on the other side, in the parallel life where others live, it’s not really our concern. Pretending it is helps us making our boundaries firmer and our roots stronger. But that’s all there is to it. And only the fool can go astray, crossing the borders.

As I write my thought inflates and deflates in a rhythmical sequence with no established rules to be followed. I can feel the pulse of the many thoughts coming and going, merging in a background of nothingness or getting starker in the limelight. I do not feel at ease with myself. I can’t follow my own line of reasoning, maybe because I don’t really have one. I touch the temple, first the right, then the left, and perceive a warm zone right where it hurts more. What is that causes that pain? Lack or overabundance of something going on? Maybe it’s just casual and it’s caused by nothing at all. The feeling is bothering me all the same. Doesn’t matter to have actual reasons for everything. Sometimes things just are, and that’s enough for everybody to realize there’s nothing to do about it.

Alone in the house


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I keep on waiting for a sign, but signs are not meant to comply with my selfish wishes. I scan the day with a foggy eye and smell the scent of nothing that spreads in every direction. Rain finally subsided. Condensation sticks to the windows like a layer of glass covering another layer of glass. I hear the neighboring door opening and closing behind another closed door. And then it’s silence again. All the hopefulness I struggled to develop vanishes with the thudding sound of the wooden door. The neighbor is a shadow that greets me on the stairs once in a while, but for the rest of the time he is just a nobody like me, like myself looked at from the outside. Alone in the house I remember I am afraid. Afraid of what, I am not sure yet. I have a clue, a sensation. The kind of fear I experience when I am asleep and I dream about going back. A nightmare. The thought of exile disguised as a comeback. I’m not part of that anymore, but I keep on dreaming about it, I keep on living in fear. Nighttime extends itself endless like a formless stain. The room becomes a crate, in which light but no air penetrates from unwanted slits. The upper story tenant walks restlessly from bed to bathroom and from bathroom to bed, making rustling noises over my head. It’s early and it’s late. It makes no difference anyway. I wish tomorrow were here. I wish I will be here tomorrow.

When will updates come? I wonder.


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I shall do something about this page. I’m trying to find a new look that won’t completely put everything I do to shame. I’d like, more than anything, to keep things clean and simple. I usually lose myself in stupid appendages I don’t even like. I’m not sure why. Must be some kind of compensation.

I start working on this task, then after three hours I find myself absorbed into something completely different, like reading how to make tortillas or what is the life expectancy of African Grey Parrots. Or I discover I am playing with the iPhone and I’m at once filled with horror for my vanity.

I changed the layout at least five times in the last months, and as everybody can see no new layout is emerging from the recesses of my computer. I haven’t been drinking either, because I am paranoid about ruining myself financially. So what’s with this impossibility to focus and get things done? Simple tasks like having a new layout up for example?