What am I to do with you, Papa?
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I‘m torn in two everytime. I can’t share your passions and views, I can’t share your being a man with all these idiosyncrasies, though I can sense and understand them all, one by one; at the same time I do praise the grace, the precision, the art that forms and shapes the writing. The intelligence, the higher degree of humanity, the respect shown in it. I’m no blind to all of that. I can’t decide which aspect results as winner in this conflict. You make me frown. And you fill me with awe. But a reading soul isn’t a soul as a whole entity, so I can’t just ignore the frowning and the reproach even when entangled in the wonder. The fragility and the impotence that envelops your being, the very human fall toward the wrong side of the natural moral, the tragedy of extreme anthropocentrism but also the longing for all that’s sacred in the natural world, the hunger for Nature’s titanic stature. Which one of this is the real you? I assume it’s both. That’s why I’m so torn. Torn between revulsion and admiration. Because how am I supposed to form an opinion that will be coherent and solid and without cracks if I am to despise one thing and admire the other? If I can’t take you as a whole, I do have to forget about the complexity of your multiple facets. Look from a vantage point at the matter that forms your creation from one side only, ignoring the rest. Betraying your essence. You do that to me every single time I pick up one of these books. And the more I read the more amazed and confused I am, because I can’t stand on firm grounds. I can only go on and on until words are over. But the conflict remains.